you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
