Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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