chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
