Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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