I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
