He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
