Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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