the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
