I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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