Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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