Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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