I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
