I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
