His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
