he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
