At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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