well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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