Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
