I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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