Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
