I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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