I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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