turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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