you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
