you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
