She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.