she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.