i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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