just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
