Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
