Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
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I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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