It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
