Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
