you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
