I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
