He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
