Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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