please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.