Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dating After Heartbreak
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.