i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Are we still banned from the library?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
