I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
