based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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