a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
