I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
