You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
