once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
