You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
