i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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