so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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