sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
