i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
