for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
