I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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