I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
