so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just googled if crying burns calories
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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