I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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