Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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