Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
