i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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